


Scar

by hullu



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Castration, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery, nullification
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:33:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hullu/pseuds/hullu
Summary: In episode 3x02 “Seth”, there was talk of Jack being turned into a eunuch. This is that fic. Deals with trauma and recovery.Warnings: Mentions of nonconsensual body modification and rape.
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	Scar

He wakes and pain in his lower abdomen drowns him. He cannot move, his breath is stuck on the brink of a scream that never comes. He passes out. 

He wakes again and this time, he can tell he’s in a hospital bed and there’s an infusion hooked up to his arm with what has to be morphine. His belly feels acutely wrong, but the pain has dulled to a bearable level. He can speak. 

A nurse comes when he calls out and gushes over him, how lucky he is to be chosen by Seth, and it prods at a memory somewhere in the back of his morphine-hazy mind. A warmth flows through him at learning that he has been chosen as one of Seth’s pleasure slaves. Filled with the love of Seth, he is disappointed to learn that he has to wait four weeks until he has healed of the procedure before he can see Seth. 

It is after two weeks that he is allowed up, the catheter is removed and he is shown to the harem’s quarters. Men and women in light flowing clothes attend to him, touch him, kiss him. He is fascinated by the pale scar that runs down the mens’ lower abdomen, a straight line ribbed by the remains of stitches, from the pubic mound down to the perineum, urethral opening slightly to the left of the scar. He can’t wait until his own stitches come out and the tenderness leaves so he can properly touch there. 

He has never been happier in his life than he is here among his new friends, and when Seth finally decides to see him, his friends help him with the enema and push lube into him with their fingers and he trembles as desire clenches deep in his gut. 

Happiness like this can never last and one night, a swarm of soldiers breaks into his shared quarters and zat his friends, and he screams for help and kicks until he, too, is zatted unconscious. 

\--

He wakes in the infirmary with the sickest of sick feelings in his throat and he has to vomit over the side of the bed until his body retches painfully on itself. 

Doc Frasier comes rushing in on his still convulsing form and all he says for the next three days, whenever he wakes from sedation, is “kill me”. 

But it is the nature of the human mind that no heightened emotional state can be kept up forever and so, eventually, he is left awake and unrestrained to feel for the emptiness between his legs, stroke along the scar, get up and sit down on the toilet by himself and he only has tears in his eyes some of the time. He even feels grateful that they did a proper job surgically, that he has no remaining pain, that his urethral sphincter is intact. 

Frasier wants to talk to him about reconstructive surgery. He shouts “yes!” before she even starts. The pity in her eyes makes him nauseous. He has refused to see anyone but her, he doesn’t think he can stand any more pity. 

“It’s not that easy. The erectile tissue has been completely removed including the part that extends into the pelvis. There is only little remaining scrotal skin.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“To put it bluntly, we can reconstruct something that looks like a penis, but not something that works like one.” 

He already expected something like this, but it hits him all the same hearing it in its finality. “I have to think about it,” he says. 

Frasier makes him see a psychotherapist who tells him some blurb about masculinity not residing in the balls and that there are ways to still have an orgasm. He knows. Seth made him. He says nothing. 

He makes no decision on the surgery. The idea of having another surgery, waking up with the same excruciating pain as last time, the weeks of recovery, fills him with dread. And the thought of a fake, limp, insensitive penis attached to his body makes him recoil. He doesn’t know if it makes him recoil more or less than the absence he has now. 

He asks to go home and Frasier manages to get him out of the base without running into anyone. One day, he’ll have to get her a huge fruit basket for everything she’s done for him. 

Being back in his own space is good and bad, all the little reminders. He remembers peeing standing up, jerking off in his bed, having sex. He’s starting to be annoyed with himself - he isn’t really mad that he has to sit down to pee. It shouldn’t matter. And it’s not like he had massive amounts of sex before. It’s not even like he couldn’t jerk off, or whatever the word is now, if he wanted to. Only it makes him think of Seth and his drugged mindless slaves that he shouldn’t hate as much as he does because they are only victims like him. Victims like him. That also takes getting used to. 

It gets abruptly worse when the doorbell rings. He sneaks a peek out the window and it’s Daniel. He stays quiet in hopes that he will go away. Except it’s Daniel who is, of course, more stubborn than that. He hears the patio door creak and curses himself for not locking up. 

And then Daniel is standing before him. “Hi,” he says. 

“You know that’s trespassing right?” 

“Feel free to throw me out.” And okay, Daniel is stubborn as always, not pitifully polite and his gaze isn’t flicking to his crotch and it might help, actually, speaking to someone. Hearing thoughts other than his own for a change. 

He gets two beers from the fridge, tosses one to Daniel and flops on the sofa. “So, what’s up at the SGC?” 

“Well, two days ago we visited a planet whose occupants communicate in grunts and moans and Sam hasn’t stopped laughing at me yet.” He snorts. 

“Makepeace ate a fruit that made his skin bright blue.” 

“Makepeace has command of SG-1?” 

“Hammond gave it to him until you came back.” Daniel shoots him a look. “No pressure.” 

“Yeah.”

“Teal’c says that Jaffa warriors are sometimes... modified. Castrated. It is said to increase their strength and will in battle.” 

“Not helping.” 

“I suppose it doesn’t help either if I say that eunuchs existed in many cultures and were well-respected members of society and often in positions of power?” 

“Nope.” Castrated. Eunuchs. As shocking as those words sound, none of them accurately describe what has been done to him. 

Daniel is silent. 

“How’s Sam holding up?” He has to face his team eventually. He is immensely glad that at least Daniel and by his word, Teal’c would still be able to look at him. 

“Well, I don’t make it a habit to chat with her about your junk.” He feels a laugh bubbling up, shockingly unfamiliar. “She yelled at Doctor Frasier when she wouldn’t let her see you.” 

“She must be upset.” 

“She is. Keeps getting into fights with Makepeace, too. She might actually get command because she’s usually right.” 

“Good.” He’d trust Sam to lead the team any minute. 

“It’s not all there is,” he says finally. 

“What isn’t?” 

He wonders if he can say it. “Castration.” There it is, one little word. Now only a few more. “They took everything.” 

Daniel’s eyes go wide when he gets it. “Oh my God, Jack.” 

“Yeah.” 

Daniel promises or threatens to come back tomorrow and he does, and they fall into a routine of hanging out, carefully avoiding any topics of Jack returning to the SGC or what happened to him. He is glad for it. When Daniel is around, he’s not thinking about Seth. 

That’s how it happens that he asks Daniel to stay late one evening. They watch a funny show on tv until it’s nearly midnight, eating chips and laughing about the dumb jokes. Like this, with Daniel, he almost feels like he could be whole again. He also recognizes the heat curling in his belly, not like before, but not like with Seth either. 

This is how he asks: “Are you curious? About me?” Daniel looks at him. “About how I look now?” he clarifies. 

“Jack, I...” 

“Daniel.” His voice gives him away. 

“Oh God, you’re...” turned on, he doesn’t say. 

“It’s not nasty. I don’t think it is.” 

“I didn’t think... Jack, how do you...” 

He takes Daniel’s hand and puts it on his crotch. “It doesn’t hurt,” he says. Daniel touches him carefully, the blank absence of him and his hips tilt up into the touch involuntarily. “Deja vu,” he says at Daniel’s questioning gaze. He rubs with his fingers down the middle. 

“Not a woman.” 

“No, you’re not,” Daniel says seriously. “If you were, I wouldn’t be asking to kiss you right now.” 

“Okay.” And then it’s Daniel’s lips on his and his lips on Daniel’s and his hand still on the most shameful, private part of him. It’s blindingly good. 

“I’m sorry,” Daniel says when he pulls back and he needs a moment to realize that he means the erection visibly tenting his pants. 

“What for? Liking cripples?” 

Daniel is actually offended at that. “Jesus Jack, you’re not a cripple.” 

“That’s debatable.” 

“It’s you. I like you.” 

“I like you, too.” 

Daniel smiles shyly. “I want to make you feel good.” 

He takes Daniel into his bedroom, gets out of his clothes with heavy eyes on him. Daniel’s fingers trace over the scar, a bare pale place between his pubic hair, and settle on his perineum. He’s always been sensitive there and he can’t stop the breath escaping him at the sweet pleasure spreading through him. Daniel keeps touching him there and comes up to kiss him. His cock rubbing against him feels obscene, smearing him with precum as it slides around. 

“Can I make you come?” 

Daniel’s naked body on his makes him want it so badly, but he honestly isn’t sure. Seth did it to him with violence, overstimulating his body until it had no other choice but to give into orgasm, and he never wants to experience such a violation again. 

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. 

Daniel moves to kiss his nipple and he arches up into it. It’s as if the sensitivity in his remaining erogenous zones is heightened, or maybe it’s because it has been so long since he has been touched so gently, so sensually. A hand is on his perineum again, alternating soft stroking fingers and deeper pressure and he can’t stop his moans, can’t stop himself from pushing his trembling body into the touch. It’s not enough, but it will be if... 

“Wait,” he says and Daniel’s pupils are blown when he looks up. He fumbles on the nightstand for the lotion there. “If you touch my prostate I’m gonna come. From inside,” he clarifies. 

Daniel kneels between his spread legs, spreads him open. When a finger breaches him, he relaxes, and when it strokes over his prostate, the stimulation is so acute after having so little for so long that he has to ask Daniel to go slower, take his time gently rubbing up inside him. A thumb is back on his perineum and then Daniel’s lips are on his scar, a sensation he can barely feel but it is what sends him over the edge nevertheless. His world whites out in pure ecstasy as he groans and convulses and clenches almost painfully around the finger inside him, pressing it into his prostate again with each wave and sending him into the next. 

“Fuck,” he says when the aftershocks finally fade out, Daniel’s retracting finger giving him another jolt. 

Daniel is jerking off over him and he reaches for him. It’s strange having a cock in his hand again, but he remembers how this goes and after one, two pulls Daniel starts to come, and he remembers how this feels as well, having stripe after stripe of cum splatter his chest and stomach. 

“You’re easy,” he says and Daniel laughs, bright and happy. 

When he dreams that he is back in Seth’s harem that night, Daniel shakes him awake and pulls him close. When he showers in the morning and looks down his body, it reminds him of Daniel’s touch and the way he looked at him, like he was desirable, like he wasn’t a freak at all. 

A week later, he goes into the mountain, hugs Sam and Teal’c and talks to Hammond about returning to duty. There are some stares, notably from Makepeace who is probably salty to lose his command, and he catches a few people whispering behind his back. He swallows down the bile that threatens to rise in his throat. He can do this. 

\--

Coda

“Uh, so feel free to, to punch me for this if you have to,” Daniel says and hands him the bag. “I just thought...” 

Daniel is uncharacteristically shifty and nervous so he looks into the bag curiously. In it is, there is no other way to call it, a strap-on dildo. 

“Uh,” he says. “Is that a joke?” If it is, it’s not funny. Daniel wouldn’t give him a plastic cock to insult him, would he? 

“I thought you might want to...” 

“Wear it.” 

Daniel bites his lip. “Yeah.” 

Jack hasn’t even thought of that and he wonders what it would feel like to take it in his hand. To look down his body and see it jutting out. 

“Actually, what I was gonna say is... you can fuck me. If you want to.” 

The heat that shoots through him is sharp and sudden, followed by images of Daniel splayed out before him and bracing himself against the headboard. 

“Yes,” he says roughly, and it will never not be painful that he can’t do it with his own cock, but he can be okay. He can be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was at points squicky for me and at other points completely self-indulgent. Nullification is something so very fascinating to me, but not in a purely fetishizing way, and I tried to capture that. I wasn’t sure whether the coda makes the fic worse or not, so if you don’t like it, ignore lol. I thought it was sweet so I left it.  
> Kudos and comments make my day  
> Come talk to me on tumblr (mephistox)


End file.
